Working Through Anger

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Welcome to this post where we’ll be talking about working through anger.

Anger is a human emotion that we find difficult to understand, express and work through.

Anger needs attention, and not just as the bad or naughty step-sister of the emotional world. There is a lot of positive to be said about anger, and in this postt I’d like to show you what these things are.

Let’s begin…

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What is anger?

The medical dictionary online defines anger as a feeling of tension and hostility, usually caused by anxiety aroused by a perceived threat to one’s self, posessions, rights, or values.

Anger, therefore is a response to a perceived threat. If someone insults us, hits us, breaks our things or something worse, we will probably not be the happiest and react accordingly. This would be understandable and acceptable, depending on how you decide to respond – with aggression or trying to talk to someone after a cooling off period, or taking the matter to the authorities.

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Anger is the emotion that people find the most difficult to manage, express and work through. In my practice, I like (for lack of a better word) to see people get angry when they have been wronged instead of blaming themselves or letting it eat at them from the inside.

It frees up that space and energy that has been taken over by the pent-up and unprocessed anger. It allows them to see things in a different light, and to see themselves and others with more compassion, understanding, and place responsibility where it belongs – whether some of it is theirs’ or totally someone else’s.

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Sometimes anger is the only response!

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We could be angry because we feel oppressed by an abusive family member or a work situation, or a change in circumstances (there are lots of examples of this – Rent goes up, Brexit, The Rohingha refugee crisis, the list goes on). We could be angry because we are trying to make a point or to ask for our needs to be met and our boundaries respected, and people are just not listening! Or we could be angry because someone cut in front of us in the queue, or there’s too much traffic and you are going to be late!

Whatever the reason for our anger, it is reassuring to know that we can apply the same rule we apply with other emotions: it is valid and we should honour the presence of anger when it bubbles up.

Anger is telling us something. Yes, it is not a nice feeling but it is not there at random or for no real reason.

In my care job I have learned that behaviour is a communication – especially with non-verbal people and children, but it can be applied to everyone. Sometimes a child will lash out and hit, kick, scream, break things, because they are angry or upset about something and this is the only way they know how to communicate.

Anger works in a similar way to that: it is telling us something that we have no other way of processing. This is the way the discomfort with someone or something is coming out and paying attention to it is important if we want to move on with our day and lives.

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Anger can be scary, especially because of negative models – for example a father that got angry and hit furniture or family members shows a child that anger is a bad thing that is scary and shouldn’t be expressed because it hurts others.

Anger can also scare people because they might feel like they are going to lose control and do something they might regret. Even when there is no proof that this is the case – they’ve never been angry and lost control. In fact quite the opposite or it has just not been as bad as they imagine.

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It’s ok to express anger. And here are some reasons why:

It helps your physical health, in that it prevents a range of medical conditions that could be triggered by anger (heart attacks, high blood pressure, etc.)

Expressing anger in a positive way (no aggression or vengeance), talking things through with those who we feel wronged by, will keep our relationships safe and increase the honesty and openness with the person or persons involved.

Expressing and figuring out what anger is telling us will help us process those things that aren’t quite right in our lives and relationships.

We will not accumulate anger and therefore won’t blow up down the line. Working things out in the here and now allows us to keep revenge and rage at bay.

Expressing our anger might allow us to figure out what other emotions anger is actually masking – for example children might seem irritable and angry but they might actually be feeling sad or upset.

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Now that we know a bit more about what anger is, how to see it as a way to communicate, and more importantly, that it’s OK and in fact important to process it, we can move into the next phase of working with anger.

In this section we will talk about how anger can be a driver to see positive results in your life, and how to process it.

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Anger can be a driver for many positive things in life.

Sometimes we must dig deeper, or spend a little more time in the anger phase, in order to get the positive results of processing our anger.

Anger gives us energy – that adrenaline rush that we have …. all the bodily responses that we have when we’re angry…. all the energy that arises from our minds and bodies…. can help us react to a particular person or situation.

Our bodies are set up to react – adrenaline arises, cortisol arises, our muscles get ready to fight or flight, all our body’s focus goes to our hands (for punching perhaps) and legs (for running), forget about digestion for now, we need to go back to safety!

In cave times, these responses were vital to survival (Imagine having a Cheetah looking at you from behind a tree – either he’s dinner or you are! The threat was literally life or death!).

Today, it is less important that we react as cavemen used to do to imminent threat, but we still carry those innate reactions with us.

Now we might be seeing things as a threat more in a psychological or emotional sense, but sometimes it could still be physical (as an example, it reminded me of the posters I’ve seen recently in Women’s toilets – – you can go talk to the bar staff and if you ask for Angela, they will know that you’re not safe on your date and need help escaping that situation).

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One of the things anger can do for us is help us be more creative.

Here are some things that might help us process our anger:

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• Has your supervisor told you to work harder or that you haven’t paid enough attention to your work? Use the anger you might feel at this lack of recognition to generate more ideas for your supervisor.
• Think of creative solutions – solve problems in your work or daily life by thinking outside the box (anger can lead us to see the bigger picture, as well as make us think less calmly than we usually do).
• Find the motivation to do something new, something different, or something you’ve put aside for a while:
• The Art Project
• That book you’ve wanted to write
• That holiday you’ve wanted to take but haven’t been able to
• Apply for a new course or job
• Making a Lifestyle Change

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Find new ways to relate to people or situations where you know you might get angry:

• Use humor
• Set clear boundaries
• Get rid of some of those things that make you feel angry and aren’t good for you.
• Keep a distance or get closer.

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Processing anger can be easy or difficult, depending on the size of the problem or issue that angered us in the first place. However, here are a few things that might apply in most cases:

• Acceptance is the first step in many situations, or one of the first steps, to free yourself from the burden.
• Talk to your anger, befriend it. I know this sounds weird, right? Weren’t we trying to get rid of him? Well, yes, but we can’t get rid of it unless we understand it and give it the time it needs. You don’t decide if you want to befriend someone by avoiding them and giving them any chance to introduce themselves as a potential friend, right?
• Can you think about what might be going on with you right now, at this point in your life, when you’re feeling angry? Could there be another emotion that is being masked by anger? (Anger is very clever and is adept at hiding other emotions that could be the real causes of your suffering.)
• Have you been hurt by someone?
• Do you feel scared by something or someone?
• Are you feeling sad or depressed?
• Placing responsibility where it belongs is essential, as this frees up the space for you to forgive yourself for your participation, to forgive others for their participation, and to decide if you want to continue with that relationship or if you want to end it, which also helps you process anger by pointing it out in its rightful place.
• Feel angry but also find time to be compassionate and understanding of those who have angered you, even yourself if you have made yourself angry! (Read my blog post about how I did it after making a mistake.)
• Explore present anger but also in relation to the past – sometimes people or situations can remind us of something we were angry about in the past, and we can bring the same or very similar reactions to this moment. It doesn’t mean that it’s wrong for you to feel them, in fact it’s a great opportunity for you to revisit them (perhaps accompanied by a therapist) and to be able to process any unresolved and unprocessed anger and other emotions from both the past and present situation.

• Things you can do to process it:
• Writing in a journal
• Exercise
• Practice relaxation techniques (deep breathing, meditation, using mindfulness, doing yoga, taking time in silence).
• Talk to a therapist, we’re here to listen and help you process those difficult feelings and thoughts.

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I hope this post has helped you get some ideas on how to process your anger, how to understand this emotion, and also how to channel the effects of it into positive results in your life.

If you’d like to explore more about working through anger, do get in touch.

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