I want to start this post by pointing to the idea that there are good and bad emotions. I don’t believe that’s the case.
All our emotions are useful in communicating what is going on within us and what we might need to change in ourselves – thoughts, beliefs, behaviours.
When we’re feeling angry, guilty or ashamed, though, we might not want to acknowledge this. We might just want to get rid of these emotions altogether.
I find myself saying to clients “therapy won’t give you amnesia, you might not remove your feeling of anxiety, anger, guilt altogether but what we can do is find a way to help you manage them, regulate your mind and body so they don’t overwhelm you, and also so you can find a place to give yourself some grace and kindness”.
To be able to do this, we can’t go around the feelings, we might have to go through them to get to the other side.
“Guilt is an energising emotion: it drives us to act. The most effective way to reduce guilt is to undo our behaviour, make amends, atone, or apologise.” (Ref: BPS Article – read more here)
This quote above is missing one word that will become clearer when we get to the Bible part of this post: forgiveness.
Now, I can hear some of you reading going “why do I need to forgive someone that harmed me, why do they get the free pass?”
I get that, it’s hard, but let me give you this phrase I coined with a client of mine: “forgiving – or accepting what happened – isn’t the same as condoning the behaviour”.
We could say it like this: “forgiveness is for me, not for the person who harmed me”.
This is hard to understand – and to do of course – but it can be part of healing, and it allows us to move forward in spite of what’s been done to us.
Of course, this doesn’t end here – we must also learn to forgive ourselves for things we’ve done that make us feel guilt or shame.
In the same article I quoted above, the writer continues:
“If we behave in line with society’s standards and values we will avoid the unpleasant feeling of guilt and have good relationships with others, which leads to a mostly positive and caring society. If we do act in ways not in line with standards and morals, the unpleasant feeling of guilt is most effectively reduced by making amends. Owning up, apologising, and rectifying the wrong in some way is the behaviour most likely to result in a reduction in guilt and is also helpful in repairing relationships and maintaining trust and positivity between people. For these reasons, guilt is sometimes called a social emotion or a moral emotion. Perhaps guilt isn’t such a useless emotion after all…”
Something else that might help deal with guilt – and shame – is exploring the beliefs that we might have about what happens when we make a mistake, sin, or harm someone – or are harmed by someone.
This will link nicely to the Biblical section below.
In some Christian churches, there is a strong teaching on condemnation and sin, without much grace or mercy (which God does provide heaps of, but as humans we become legalistic at times and do more harm than good – but that wasn’t God, that was fallible humans!).
This leaves people feeling horrible and like there’s no hope for them because they did one thing one time, or because someone did something to them and they were told they’d sinned anyway.
That is hard to undo, but it’s not impossible. I’ve worked with people that bring these things and others related to how they see God the Father for example in light of their relationship with their earthly father, or experiencing childhood trauma and being told it’s their fault.
Before moving forward, I believe this is a good point to differentiate what Guilt and Shame are:
In summary, guilt makes us think “I did something wrong”. Shame makes us feel “there’s something wrong with me”.
If your identity is linked to what we did, we might punish ourselves or allow others to say “that’s the consequence of your actions, you deserve it”, and accept it as truth.
I say to clients “feel that way for a bit, let’s work through it so we can then let go of it, and then let’s figure out how you can be kind to yourself and start to forgive yourself and separate what you did from who you are.”
In the Bible, we see different aspects of God. When we read, we might prefer the God of the New Testament, who offered grace and salvation from our fallen state through Jesus Christ’s actions and sacrifice on the Cross. The God in the Old Testament seems more angry and more of a judge.
Well, let me tell you, He is both and rightly so!
God is a just and fair God, and with that comes The Law but also Grace.
Jesus says he didn’t come to abolish The Law but to fulfil it. He’s the only one that ever walked the Earth without sinning in any way. This gave him the legal right to redeem all of us through His Sacrifice. (I won’t even try to understand why it had to be this specific way, it’s too big for my little human brain, but there is a lot of theological commentary out there that goes deeper in to this – The Seed War as spoken about by L.A. Marzulli and his mentors, amongst others).
Let’s look at the case with these words in mind: Condemnation through sin vs Redemption through grace by Jesus Christ.
The Law of Moses is key in these first few verses (context helps here but that requires much more than I can add here in this post without losing the point of it, so feel free to go read the full context in your Bible, I might do some Bible studies at some point in the near future so look out for those).
“Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world may become guilty before God. Therefore by the deeds of the law no flesh will be justified in His sight, for by the law is the knowledge of sin. But now the righteousness of God apart from the law is revealed, being witnessed by the Law and the Prophets, even the righteousness of God, through faith in Jesus Christ, to all and on all who believe. For there is no difference; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God set forth as a propitiation by His blood, through faith, to demonstrate His righteousness, because in His forbearance God had passed over the sins that were previously committed, to demonstrate at the present time His righteousness, that He might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus. (Romans 3:19-25)
This first verse talks about both – we have all sinned, we are born with the sin nature since Adam – the first man. This is why the “Second Adam” – Jesus – was needed to redeem what was lost in the garden. According to the first part of these verses, there is no way to redeem ourselves, we are condemned by our own actions and the actions of those that harmed us keep them also in condemnation.
But there’s a way out, thank God! He made a way through Jesus Christ. When we repent and give our lives to Him, he cleanses us. As one of my friends explained very nicely once, when God looks at us, he sees Jesus standing in front of us. We are justified and cleared by Jesus – if we take responsibility and turn our behaviour around and trust in His forgiveness and grace.
This in itself might help ease our guilt and shame. We might not forget what we did and still have little pangs of “oh no why did I do that” even years after the fact, but the reassuring bit is that God is no longer condemning us. He has forgiven us, and that in turn might allow us to forgive ourselves and be kinder to ourselves.
It’s a whole process with many moving pieces. But in the end I believe it is worth it.
“If you really fulfil the royal law according to the Scripture, ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself’, you do well; but if you show partiality, you commit sin, and are convicted by the law as transgressors. For whoever shall keep the whole law, and yet stumble in one point, he is guilty of all” (James 2: 8-10)
This sounds hard to do – and it is, we have thoughts and do things all the time, big or small, that set us in bad standing with society’s idea of morality and what’s good, and also with God. But remember, He made a way for us to be in good standing with Him again through Jesus Christ.
The next verse is so reassuring “shall never be put to shame”. I love this. We might have struggled, had things done to us, done things ourselves, but if we put our trust in God, that is cleaned, cleared and forgiven:
“So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust, and the chewing locust. My great army which I sent among you. You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, who has dealt wondrously with you; and My people shall never be put to shame. Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel: I am the Lord your God and there is no other. My people shall never be put to shame” (Joel 2:25-26)
Once we know the things we’ve spoken about in this post, we can live in “light” and try to be better people. Will we still make mistakes? Of course. Until we get our glorified bodies in Heaven, this will be a continual struggle. But there’s always room for forgiveness. The next two verses exemplify this beautifully, which doesn’t mean we can carry on with “bad behaviour”, in fact it points to the opposite – you have been given a lot of grace, and that will lead to changed behaviour and a changed heart:
“For you were once in darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness, righteousness and truth), finding out what is acceptable to the Lord. And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, bur rather expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of these things which are done by them in secret. But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light. Therefore he says “Awake, you who sleep, arise from the dead, and Christ will give you light”. (Ephesians 5: 8-14)
“For if by the one man’s offence death reigned through the one, much more those who receive abundance of grace and of the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ. Therefore, as through one man’s offence judgment came to all men, resulting in condemnation, even so through one Man’s righteous act the free gift came to all men, resulting in justification of life. For as by one man’s disobedience many were made sinners, so also by one Man’s obedience many will be made righteous. Moreover the law entered that the offence might abound. But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
What shall we say then, shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?” (Romans 5:17-20, Romans 5:1-2)
And finally, some refreshing verses I won’t go too much into as they are self-explanatory and provide enough sustenance, hope and grace all on their own:
“For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will he withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Psalm 84:11)
“For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” (John 1:17)
“”Even so then, at this present time there is a remnant according to the election of grace. But if it is of works, it is no longer of works; otherwise grace is no longer grace; otherwise work is no longer work.” (Romans 11: 5-6)
“And he said to me ‘ My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness’. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” (2 Cor 12:9)
What happened matters. What we did matters. But neither has to become the whole story of who we are. There is room for responsibility, forgiveness, restoration, hope and grace.
