Welcome to this post where we’ll be discussing something that I see as a theme in many – if not all – of my counselling sessions: How to be kind to yourself.
The critical voice we all carry in greater or lesser volume in our heads.
It could be internalised from things people have said to us throughout our lives, or things we say to ourselves that are not helpful or can even be harmful to our self-image, self-esteem and mental health.
As usual, I’ll start with the psychological, counselling side of things and add how I’d work with this from a Biblical perspective.
In my sessions with clients I hear things like:
“I’m not good enough”
“I’m not lovable…nobody can love someone like me”
“I should’ve known better”
“I should know how to do this, why is it so hard for me, it’s easy really”
And more…
One thing that is a recurring phrase in my counsellor tool kit is to say to clients “let’s be kind to you right now”, or “be kind to yourself this next week”.
This is easier said than done, and I emphasise that for my clients too.
But starting to change the way we think and talk to ourselves has a dramatic impact on our mental health and wellbeing.
Over time, as we practise being kinder to ourselves, that critical voice can begin to retreat and become quieter.
It might not go away but it will become more manageable for us to deal with, and easier for us to challenge it when the old phrases and feelings come back to try to haunt us.
We sometimes resist self-kindness because we think being hard on ourselves will make us behave better.
If I stop beating myself up, I’ll become lazy/selfish/complacent.
But psychologically, acknowledging “I got that wrong” doesn’t require adding “therefore I’m an awful person.”
We can take responsibility and respond to ourselves compassionately (see my post on making a mistake).
In a Biblical sense, being kind to ourselves can involve extending grace towards ourselves and recognising that our value is not erased by our mistakes.
Biblical redemption comes from God, while psychologically we can participate in restoration by changing how we relate to ourselves.
Let’s first define grace and redemption.
Grace — God’s freely given favour, love and mercy; something we receive rather than earn.
Redemption — being rescued, restored or brought back from something; within Christianity, ultimately referring to what Christ accomplished through His death and resurrection.
We all have moments where we think “ah I’ve messed up…”
And that makes us human.
We are all in need of God’s grace.
We all have areas where we can fall short (Romans 3:23).
But instead of condemnation, if we reach out to God, we will find grace rather than judgment.
Of course there’s room for judgement from God but if we acknowledge the things we might have done and repent (meaning turn around and not do it again), he is gracious and welcomes us with open arms.
We can do this for ourselves to a point – we can be kinder to ourselves, we can reframe the things that we believe about ourselves and understand where they come from and decide what to do with them.
If unhelpful, discard and challenge them, and replace them with more truthful beliefs about ourselves. We might need to find evidence for them and there usually is in your life story.
There is hope.
There is a way to quieten down that critical voice.
If I’m struggling with things as mentioned above, I might go read some comforting Psalms or go to God’s little instruction book – Proverbs – to regain a sense of reality and Truth and fall back on that to help me reframe and be kind to myself again.
I’d also read Jesus’ words as they’re all about forgiveness, transformation, and of course also repentance and redemption.
He teaches the way of righteousness, showing how God’s justice requires a purity of heart, not just external actions. But at the same time, He also constantly points to God’s mercy—like when He said, ‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest’ (Matthew 11:28).
This invitation to rest in Him shows that Jesus offers us mercy, even when we fall short of God’s perfect standard.
He doesn’t just condemn; He offers a way to be reconciled with God through repentance and faith.
Now let’s bring it all together….
As you can see from what I’ve written, there’s a distinction between conviction and condemnation.
Conviction can say:
That wasn’t right. I need to change something.
The critical voice/condemnation says:
You’re terrible. You’ll always be terrible. There’s something fundamentally wrong with you.
But the Bible says in Romans 8:1:
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
This doesn’t mean that as believers we won’t ever feel guilt or recognise wrong doing (just as being a counsellor doesn’t mean I don’t struggle emotionally or psychologically because I know the theory).
There is a healthy balance between taking responsibility for our actions and paying attention to how we speak to ourselves about them.
We can acknowledge when we’ve done something wrong, repent where necessary, make changes and still forgive ourselves rather than condemning ourselves over and over again — sometimes for things that happened years ago.
So instead of saying:
I made a mistake.
Therefore I am a mistake.
We’re asking ourselves:
Is what I’m saying to myself right now actually true — and is there a kinder, more truthful way of responding to myself?
